My Journal
by whoopsimreading
Summary: John Laurens had a journal filled with wonders. And you'd be surprised how easily secrets slip. Also leave a review you walnut literally just click a few times and type please i'm in desperate need of attention and criticism. NEW STORY UP: WHAT WAS IN MY JOURNAL
1. Chapter 1

I kept a journal.

It held many things. Secrets, hopes, dreams, confessions.

I made sure to keep it hidden. With the war these days, secrets don't stay secret for long.

I wrote in it every day. I hoped my feelings would change, but they were stubborn.

I wish I didn't feel these things. I felt horrible, abominable, disgusting. But I couldn't change it.

I went about my days feeling this, hiding it. Nobody could know. So I made sure to keep it hidden.

But as I mentioned before, secrets don't stay secret for long.

I had a nightmare. I woke up a sweaty mess in my room. It was early morning, and the sun had not risen yet.

 _John._

I was still shaking.

 _I need you._

I got dressed and went outside. It was a sunny morning, and the air had not warmed up from the cold night. The mailman came up to my house and handed me a letter. I went inside and sat down for a morning meal to read it.

It read:

My Dear Laurens,

I read your letters to me. I must say with all honesty that I reciprocate your intimate feelings towards me. Please meet me at our usual spot at the pub at 10 in the evening tomorrow.

With all love, AH

My heart thumped in my ears. I didn't send him any letters. How did he know?

I ran to my bedroom. I frantically searched for my journal. I looked in my old boot. That's where I normally hid it.

 _It was gone._

My journal full of all of my secrets. Gone.

I wrote in it last night. Someone had to have come in, known where it was, taken it, and given it to Alexander.

And there was only two people in the world who knew where I hid my journal.

I grabbed my coat and ran.


	2. Chapter 2

I burst through the door panting.

"HERCULES!" He was making himself tea and smugly looked over at me.

I tackled him.

I threw myself onto him with a large thump on the floor. "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY JOURNAL?!"

Hercules looked at me with a look of terror. He pushed me off of him so we were both on the floor. His face went from shocked to guilty. "It's difficult to explain." he said. "Essentially, someone is blackmailing me. They have information they can hold against me, and they forced me to take your journal."

"Who is it?" I asked.

"If I tell you, you will make it all the worse for all of us."

"Hercules, who is it?"

He sighed regretfully.

"Aaron Burr."

I burst out the door. Thoughts swarmed my head. _Why is Aaron blackmailing Hercules? What does Aaron Burr want with my journal? How does he even know of my journal?_

It hit me.

Aaron wants to ruin Alexander.

Aaron wants to use my journal against both Alexander and me. And my journal is the perfect way to do so.

I ran to Alexander's house. My head pounded. Aaron Burr will not expose us.

I burst into the room. Alexander was pacing, thinking. I ran to him, panting. He took me into his arms, and I let myself be embraced. I looked up at him, and before I could process it all I could see were his eyes. Alexander's eyes.

I loved this man.

"Aaron is...going...to try and...expose us…" I panted. "Don't...go to the pub."

"John, whatever is the matter?" He said to me. "Gather yourself first, then tell me."

We sat down. "Aaron is blackmailing Hercules. Aaron made Hercules steal my journal. That's where the letters came from. You weren't meant to see them. Aaron is planning to use my journal and those letters to expose us. You'll be ruined."

We sat in silence.

"There's only one thing we can do." Alexander said.

"What's that?"

"Get him back."


	3. Chapter 3

"How do we do that Alexander?"

He looked down, deep in thought. "Well, what does Aaron have that we can use against him?"

We both attempted to brainstorm possibilities, and-

"Theodosia." I said.

"What?"

"Theodosia. Remember how Aaron let it slip that he was with a married woman?"

We let the idea wash over us. Theodosia.

"What if we wrote a letter to Theodosia pretending to be Aaron, telling her to go to the pub when we were supposed to."

We silently acknowledge the mastery of the plan.

To fully understand the plan, I said to Alexander, "So, if I understand correctly, we will send a letter to Theodosia pretending to be Aaron. The letter will say to go to the pub at 10 o'clock tomorrow. Then, Aaron will most likely get a large group of people, planning to expose us, but will see his dear Theodosia."

Alexander smiled. "Precisely! He will unexpectedly expose himself!"

"Well what are we waiting for? Let's get started." I said.

* * *

Alexander and I sat in the opposite corner, far away, hidden from Theodosia's view. The pub's clock struck 9, and Aaron Burr walked in. He immediately looked to our usual seat, correctly assuming it to be vacant. He took a seat in view of the usual table. As the hour was passing, Alexander and I could see Aaron growing more and more anxious. Then, when it was five minutes to 10, Theodosia walked in.

Aaron spat out his drink in the corner.

She went to the table she was told to in the letter.

Aaron sure did take a good seat, because he was in clear sight of Theodosia. Of course, Aaron couldn't be seen in public, with a married woman, in a pub. He had to find a way to get out without Theodosia seeing him. He scrambled out of his seat, attempted to walk behind a large group of people, but failed. He casually took another seat in clear view of Theodosia. They made eye contact, and Aaron motioned for her to meet her outside. They met at the middle of the room and-

George Washington walked in with an air of authority. Thomas Jefferson and James Madison followed close behind. The room was still, everyone staring at the renowned general. General Washington looked to Aaron Burr. He was still with Theodosia. In a pub. Without her husband. Late at night.

The general thought to himself. Aaron and Theodosia looked scared and guilty. Washington looked over to his men behind him.

"Get him."


	4. Chapter 4

Thomas Jefferson grabbed Theodosia, who struggled to go to Aaron. James Madison regretfully grabbed Aaron and muttered "Sorry" under his breath. Aaron pushed against James to get to his Theodosia. He sobbed and fought away. Thomas and James forcefully dragged them apart. When they all realized it was hopeless, the struggle ended.

Alexander and I have been in the corner this whole time.

George Washington said "Escort these two outside back to their house separately. We'll deal with the scandal in the morning."

Aaron was fuming. "You don't understand! John Laurens and Alexander Hamilton were supposed to be here! I told you! Please here me out!" Theodosia cried softly while being walked out.

George looked around, searching for something, someone. He found us in the corner, and walked over. "Aaron told me you'd be here. I won't go into detail as to what Aaron disclosed. Because of what has happened here today I will be forgiving." And with that he walked away.

Alexander and I got up to leave, and I found my journal at the table Aaron Burr was seated at. Hamilton was waiting for me at the exit. Everyone else had left to see what was happening with Aaron and Theodosia. Hamilton and I were the only two in the pub. `

So I ran to him.

I kissed him.

I felt all shame, all negativity wash away. This was right. This was me. I loved this man, and nothing could change who I was.

We walked home to Alexander's house together. It was dark, so nobody could see us. I pulled myself close to him as we walked home.

When we arrived at his house, we shared a bed. We made sure the door was locked, and the curtains were closed. I looked into Alex's eyes as he guided me to the bed.

We didn't have sex, we just fell asleep together. He brushed his soft fingers through my hair. And that's how I fell asleep.

At 2 o'clock in the morning, there was a knock at the door.

Hercules and Lafayette stood, crying.

"Aaron Burr." Lafayette said, comforting Hercules. "He's planning to ruin us."


	5. Chapter 5

Lafayette held Hercules, who was still trembling. They sat on the couch with a blanket around the two of them. Alexander and I were fully awake now, listening to Lafayette explain their situation.

"We were laying in bed, when we heard stomps coming from the front door to our bedroom door. I walked up to the door, and there was a note on the other side. It was a message saying that if we don't reveal your relationship, Aaron Burr will reveal ours. Please help. We don't know what to do."

Alexander and I shared a silent agreement.

We would let ourselves be exposed as long as Hercules and Lafayette were safe. "Do it," I said. "Expose us."

Hercules angrily whispered, "Are you mad? We can't expose your relationship. Both of your political careers would be ruined. And you both have better places in the government than the two of us. We can't!"

Lafayette calmed Hercules down, and whispered to him, "Sssshhh. We must. They want to best for us. They're doing this for us. I don't want it, but it is what must happen."

It was what would happen if John and Alexander were forced to do the same. Lafeyette and Hercules would want the same.

They sat in silence waiting for the morning to come. All but one wasn't looking forward to it.

That one was Aaron Burr.

He paced at home, not getting a wink of sleep. His plan was masterful. Phase one failed. Originally, his plan was to write a letter allegedly from Alexander to John, and vice versa. He made Hercules Mulligan steal John's journal. Then George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and James Madison were to come at the same time as their meeting. Aaron would expose them, and use the journal as proof. Alexander and John would be exposed, and they would be ruined.

What happened there mere hours before made Burr's blood turn cold.

Luckily, Burr saw it coming, and created a backup plan.

He would force Hercules and Lafayette to expose their best friends. They were easy to break. And they knew who they were up against.

They would most likely tell Alexander and John. All four would agree to release a public message exposing them.

Why was he doing this?

Theodosia. She was the reason he was alive. If he didn't do this, Hamilton would overtake him, and Theodosia would leave him without his job. He couldn't risk anything that would make her leave.

She was strong on the outside, but on the inside, she was a teapot ready to break into pieces. He would not be the reason she would break.

Hamilton will not be the reason he would lose the only person alive to love him.

Until tomorrow, they wouldn't know what he was planning. Not yet.


	6. Chapter 6

We woke up to the sound of a clock chiming. It was 9 o'clock.

It was not a pleasant morning to awaken on. We all managed to eat and get dressed in complete silence.

The previous night, all of us had joined forces to write a 10 page booklet describing the love between Hamilton and I. We called it The Hamilton Papers.

Hercules and Lafayette escorted us to General Washington's headquarters. When they get there, Aaron Burr was waiting outside, expecting us.

He escorted us inside. Hercules showed him the papers, and we acted silent and guilty the whole time.

I'd rather not go into detail. Alexander and I were branded with an H on our hands. Now everyone who saw our hands would know that we were homosexuals.

It was a bad day.

Aaron Burr, however was having an exceptional day. He made arrangements for The Hamilton Papers to be printed. This secured Aaron's place in the government. Theodosia wouldn't leave now. She wouldn't break. Nothing could break him down.

Or so he thought.

Burr went to Theodosia's house when nobody was around. He walked into the doorway and yelled "Theodosia!" in a sing song voice. She ran to the top of the stairs, laughing. She slid down the banister into his arms. They were so happy.

"I have such wonderful news," he said. He stood in front of her and held her hands.

"Hamilton lost his job. That means I'll stay on the senate without competition. We can stay together without having to worry about money or Hamilton!" Aaron Burr laughed. He was on the verge of seeming insane the way he was laughing.

Theodosia's enthusiasm faltered. "Hamilton? How did he lose his job?"

"Oh you know… he was… um… homosexual…" Aaron said awkwardly. "But why bother? He's done! We're together!"

Theodosia's hands drooped a little. "Aaron you're worrying me… please calm yourself."

"Calm myself? Oh why bother?" He looked down to the floor and whispered, "You want to know why he lost his job? I planned it! I wanted him to get fired! Then we could be together with no worries! Just the two of us…" he drifted away, imagining.

Theodosia became increasingly worried. "Aaron," She said softly. "What did you do?" A look of slight terror came over her.

"Why worry about that, darling? It'll just be the two of us. Just us!" He was slightly worried now. Why wasn't Theodosia happy? Hadn't he done something right for them?

Her hands fell and she backed up slightly. "He was branded, wasn't he? Hamilton?"

"Well, yes. That's the normal punishment. But why worry about that? It's just the -"

"No."

Aaron's smile faded. "What?"

"No. I can't be with you if you planned such a horrible thing to happen to him. I can't." She started to cry a bit. She backed up even farther.

"Theodosia." He said softly. "Theo." Perhaps her pet name would make her come back. Her. His Theodosia. He was losing her.

"Get out," she whispered. "Now."

 _No. No no no no no no this wasn't happening his love he was losing his love oh no please God don't let him lose her no no no_

He left. He loved her didn't he? He wanted to make her happy. "As you wish, my love." Aaron walked towards the door, and the last words he would ever hear from her were, "I'm not your love."

The door slammed and he walked home. It was quiet. He liked the quiet. All he could think was his love was gone. She was broken. He broke her. His only love-

No. He didn't break her. It was Hamilton. In his warped, heartbroken mind, it was Hamilton's fault.

It was all Hamilton's fault. He lost the only person alive to love him.

Something formed in him. Pure rage.

The world could do without one more person, couldn't it?


	7. Chapter 7

Aaron Burr walked home in a fit of rage, re-imagining his future with every step.

He lost her. It was all Hamilton's fault

 _All Hamilton's fault._

The words echoed in his head.

 _All Hamilton's fault._

Burr grabbed his pistol and made his way to Hamilton's house.

 _All Hamilton's fault._

He silently walked through the door to Hamilton's bedroom. He heard two men quietly speaking.

 _All Hamilton's fault._

There was yelling. He raised the gun. Before he pulled the trigger, he whispered, "It's all your fault…"

He pulled the trigger.

At the same moment he shot, someone jumped in front of Hamilton. He landed on the floor, muttering.

Aaron Burr just shot John Laurens.

You'd think from there it would all go to chaos, but it didn't. Aaron Burr stood at the doorway with his pistol just staring reflecting at what he had just done. John Laurens fell onto the floor whispering his last words of affection to Hamilton. Hamilton.

It was all his fault. But for some reason, he couldn't move.

"Look at me, John, look at me." Alexander cupped John's face in his hands. "John. John. I love you. Never forget that? Ok? You're going to be ok." Alexander was crying now.

John's last words were, "You'll never realize how much I love you, Alexander…" and with that, John Laurens was dead.

Alexander Hamilton was emotionless. His only love just died.

He lost the only person alive to love him. _And it was all Burr's fault._

He rose, a devilish feeling boiling inside him.

Alexander walked up to Aaron and grabbed the pistol out of his hands. He put the gun to his head and whispered, "It's all your fault…"

Aaron Burr silently walked out and went home, without a single emotion

Once he was gone, Alexander stumbled outside. He just wobbled, almost danced around. He lost his balance and _John just died oh my gosh John is dead oh no no-_

"Are you okay?" Someone caught him as he fell.

Her name was Eliza Schuyler. She had warm brown eyes-

 _John had golden eyes._

"Thank you. I'm fine it's just-"

"You're Alexander Hamilton?

"Um, yeah. S-Something ha-happened I need help…"

* * *

It was days later. Aaron Burr was miserable. He lost Theodosia. _All Hamilton's fault_.

Alexander was planning. He had Eliza. _John_. Eliza was with him. _John was a part of her_. At least in his mind. But like I said, he was planning. _All Burr's fault. All Burr's fault._

He wouldn't let Aaron Burr be the reason Eliza would break. As long as Burr was alive, he served as a threat to keeping Eliza _John_ safe. Maybe if he tried hard enough, it could be him and Eliza. _Him and John_.

Just the two of them.


End file.
